ô je te vois

30 May ’19

ô okay wow today has honestly been a lot for me. The day started out with me carrying the torch of positivity, obstructing the view fo my inhibitions — but little did i remember that i had prayed for God to absolutely BREAK ME DOWN

and, because i worship a God who actually listens to our prayers, so would it be.

a brief overview of this morning: i woke and warded off the temptation to malmorn (what i call the hatred of everything when one wakes) and went to breakfast where i (basically grudgingly) go and do my quiet time (Bible reading, devotion, memorization and meditation time) out in the open where i would be held accountable (apparently) then we walked to the church were the trainings are held. it was here that i found myself faced with comparison of the fervency and abilities of others and plagued with the remembrance that i was not able to articulate an answer to the question “well, like, why? why would you choose Jesus? why not just live your life how you want to?” and i was also reminded of a bunch of sins that were being revealed to me all at once (the revelation of sin is however a good thing as it forces you to recognize your position in relation to God — with more and more more-particular sins being lifted to the surface and into your consciousness(rather than continually being blind to them), this means that you are growing closer to God and closer to Christlikeness.)

AND THEN my friend shared her thoughts on Psalm 34 (or 103 i forgot) and all of this was already following a little singing worship session and i was just spent at this point and THIS was when God decided that i needed to get myself together by these layers of revelation. and i broke down.

so, i walked right out of the training and i went to get a dear friend of mine, Daniel, and he and i talked about where i was, what i was feeling (feelings of indignation, worthlessness, insecurity, unfaithfulness, self-righteousness, jealousy, guilt, and a multitude of other feelings) – which consisted majorly of me walking myself in verbal circles about me not knowing how i know that i have been ‘saved’ between snot bubbles because i didn’t believe that i had ever experienced the love of Christ and that i hadn’t seen a significant change in my life

so, once i was calm again, i left daniel and went to be alone with God and i just prayed my little heart out asking God to make changes in my life, asking Him to allow me to see Him, pleading that He would change my posture towards Him

and slowly, He has

i’ve been longing, unprecedented, to just talk about Him, i’ve felt encouraged to be with other believers, i am being changed to bring my problems first to Him and so much more:):)

stay tuned loves